By Debbie Rivers. Dating and Relationship Coach and Expert.
When you are looking for a serious relationship, is it is easy to start to feel impatient about how and when it is going to happen for you. The problem is that when you are impatient, it sucks the fun out of dating and causes you to be uptight and judgemental. This doesn’t create the best first impression or lead to second dates.
Finding the right person for you generally doesn’t happen overnight and takes time!
When you know it is going to take a little time, it lets you put your impatience aside so you can enjoy the process of dating.
Yes, it is possible and I will tell you how and why it is so important.
Imagine for a minute that you would meet the right person in 6 months’ time. I am sure it would completely change how you act and date. You would relax and enjoy meeting new people and make the most of each moment. Instead of worrying how and when it was going to happen for you.
When you can enjoy something, you make a totally different impression. You are more likely to be relaxed and happy rather than nervous and uptight!
It allows you to go on dates letting go of being judgemental instead being genuinely curious about the people you meet.
6 easy tips to enjoy dating
You are just getting to know people
If you look at dating as just getting to know new people, it takes the pressure off you. You will instantly click with some and find it hard to find common ground with others. Just like any situation, you will like some people more than others.
Instead of going into each date full of pressure to see if they are ‘the one’, see each date as a light-hearted way to get to know new people! Go to the ‘date’ being genuinely interested in who the other person is without putting high expectations on where it will go. Your date may lead to more dates, or it might just be an enjoyable one-off conversation with someone you haven’t met before!
If you were looking to meet friends, you don’t think, will this be my only friend for the rest of my life? That is putting WAY too many expectations on meeting someone new! So, why do that when you are dating?
Dating may be outside your comfort zone, but let’s face it that’s where all the best things happen. Feeling nervous and worrying what to say/do is normal. My best advice to you is to act how you do with the people you are comfortable with, like your family and friends.
When you are yourself, you are more relaxed, able to laugh and enjoy yourself. You will come across as genuine and create a much better first impression. I recommend you practice doing this, being yourself and not who you think you need to be.
I guarantee that when you do this it will make dating more fun as it removes the pressure, and you will get better results with people who like you for YOU!
Just because you like them, doesn’t mean they will like you
The reality of dating is that feelings won’t always be mutual, which is normal! You can go on a few dates and be excited about what comes next, only to have the other person tell you they don’t feel a spark. It can take you by surprise when you thought they could be your person and they didn’t see a future with you. It’s normal to feel disappointed, confused and even hurt. Your feelings are normal! But you need to realise that it isn’t personal, and I highly recommend you don’t take it to heart or make it mean something it doesn’t.
It is just that you weren’t the right fit for the other person. Or it could even mean that the other person realised they were not ready for the serious relationship that you are.
When someone doesn’t feel the spark or isn’t ready, it doesn’t mean you aren’t likeable, attractive or even dateable.
Feelings aren’t always returned, and that’s ok! It is just how dating works. One person is often more interested than the other until you find the right person for YOU! Otherwise, everyone would be with the first person they dated!
Taking dating personally always takes the fun out of dating. The key is to know your own value and not let rejection take that away from you.
Being clear about what is important makes dating fun
There are two types of chemistry – physical (often instant) and emotional (builds over time). Instead of making your choice based on physical chemistry, allow time for emotional chemistry to build and always be clear about what you need for your long-term happiness.
It is important to go beyond that instant attraction and look at the person’s character. In the long-term, kindness and emotional intelligence matter so much more than looks. Always look at their actions rather than seeing their ‘potential’. It is very easy to get carried away by the idea of someone rather than the reality.
Notice how they treat you when you are together and when you are apart. On your dates do they make decisions that consider both of you? Do you value and want the same things for your future? For example, if one wants to travel the world and the other settle down and have children, it won’t work out in the long term as the differences will pull you apart.
Dating is the process where you work out if you are a good fit
Getting to know who someone is takes time and most people show who they are over a period of time. Dating is a process of seeing if the other person is the right fit for you. Slow down to save time!
When you are in a hurry, you can end up being stuck in a relationship where you are incompatible. Oh, and being impatient definitely takes the fun out of dating, right.
I recommend using your dates as a learning experience to find out what you value and need in a partner. You might feel you know what you want, but often you only really know when you start to date someone. Dating is a process that allows you to get clear about what is really important.
Take the time to notice how you feel on each of your dates, rather than focusing on whether they like you or not. You can be fooled by the confident single who tells you what you want to hear, so the key is always to notice how you feel around them. I also recommend noticing how you feel when you are apart as anyone can be charming in the moment.
Do different things together
Going on endless coffee dates isn’t fun and doesn’t allow you the time to get to know someone. I recommend doing fun activities together on your dates. It lets you really get to know each other. You get to see them in different situations and doing different activities. It gives you the chance to see how they react and respond and the different sides of their personality. It lets you get see if they are someone you can enjoy spending time with. If you enjoy dating them, you would enjoy being in a committed relationship with them.
Dating burnout is real
I want you to know that dating can and should be fun. If you start to feel like it isn’t, take a break for a month. You can’t have fun dating if you have lost any hope of success, dating burn out is a real thing! So after the break, go back on the dating app with a fresh mindset.
You can avoid experiencing dating burnout by:
- Not going on dates with everyone who asks you. Of course, you will lose hope if you go on too many dates with people who aren’t suitable for you
- Have a phone conversation before you meet them. If it is difficult to talk to them on the phone, you have saved yourself wasted time on a date that won’t go anywhere
- Not continuing to date someone when you don’t enjoy their company
- Forcing yourself to go to places or events you don’t’ like. You will only come across like you don’t want to be there
- Not staying on dating apps indefinitely. Set yourself a set amount of time and then take a break. If you are not enjoying being on the app, that will come across, and you won’t get the results you are looking for
Remember, dating should never feel like a 2nd job you don’t have time for. It can be enjoyable, and when you are having fun, you will come across as the best version of yourself. It is the easiest way to get second dates with the people you like.
Debbie is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Expert who works with singles and couples. For over a decade she’s been empowering people to be successful in love and is obsessed with having bigger conversations about dating and relationships.